Unusual Funeral

A man was leaving a cafe when he noticed an unusual funeral.

A funeral coffin was followed by a second one. Behind the second coffin was a solitary man walking with a black dog.

Behind him was a queue of 200 men walking in single line.

The man couldn’t stand his curiosity. He approached the man walking with the dog, “I am so sorry to disturb you, but I’ve never seen a funeral like this with so many of you walking in single line. Whose funeral is it?”

The man replied, “That first coffin is for my wife.”

What happened to her?”

“My dog attacked and killed her.”

Well, who is in the second coffin?”

“My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog attacked and killed her also.”

A thoughtful moment of silence passes between the two men.

Then the first one asks in excitement, “Can I borrow the dog?”

The man replied, “Join the queue.”

Cooking When Drunk?

Human Resource or High Risk !!!

After 2 years of selfless service, a man realized that he has not been promoted, no transfer, no salary increase no recommendation and that the Company is not doing any thing about it. So he decided to walk up to his HR Manager one morning and after exchanging greetings, he told his HR Manager his observation. The boss looked at him, laughed and asked him to sit down saying;

My friend, you have not worked here for even one day.
The man was surprised to hear this, but the manager went on to explain.

Manager:- How many days are there in a year?
Man:- 365 days and some times 366

Manager:- how many hours make up a day?
Man:- 24 hours

Manager:- How long do you work in a day?
Man:- 8am to 4pm. i.e. 8 hours a day.
Manager:- So, what fraction of the day do you work in hours ?
Man:- (He did some arithmetic and said 8/24 hours i.e. 1/3(one third)

Manager:- That is nice of you! What is one-third of 366 days?
Man:- 122 (1/3×366 = 122 in days)

Manager:- Do you come to work on weekends?
Man:- No sir

Manager:- How many days are there in a year that are weekends?
Man:- 52 Saturdays and 52 Sundays equals to 104 days

Manager:- Thanks for that. If you remove 104 days from 122 days, how many days do you now have?
Man:- 18 days.

Manager:- OK! I do give you 2 weeks sick leave every year. Now remove that14 days from the 18 days left. How many days do you have remaining?
Man:- 4 days

Manager:- Do you work on New Year day?
Man:- No sir!

Manager:- Do you come to work on workers day?
Man:- No sir!

Manager:- So how many days are left?
Man:- 2 days sir!

Manager:- Do you come to work on the (National holiday )?
Man:- No sir!

Manager:- So how many days are left?
Man:- 1 day sir!

Manager:- Do you work on Christmas day?
Man:- No sir!

Manager:- So how many days are left?
Man:- None sir!

Manager:- So, what are you claiming?
Man:- I have understood, Sir. I did not realise that
I was stealing Company money all these days.

Moral – NEVER GO TO HR FOR HELP!!!
HR = HIGH RISK

Recession Times – Interview with Job Hopper

Some, rather most organizations reject his CV today because he has changed jobs frequently (10 in 14 years). My friend, the ‘job hopper’ (referred here as Mr. JH), does not mind it…. well he does not need to
mind it at all. Having worked full-time with 10 employer companies in just 14 years gives Mr. JH the relaxing edge that most of the ‘company loyal’ employees are struggling for today. Today, Mr. JH too is laid
off like some other 14-15 year experienced guys – the difference being the latter have just worked in 2-3 organizations in the same number of years. Here are the excerpts of an interview with Mr. JH:

Q: Why have you changed 10 jobs in 14 years?
A: To get financially sound and stable before getting laid off the second time.

Q: So you knew you would be laid off in the year 2009?
A: Well I was laid off first in the year 2002 due to the first global economic slowdown. I had not got a full-time job before January 2003 when the economy started looking up; so I had struggled for almost a
year without job and with compromises.

Q: Which number of job was that?
A: That was my third job.

Q: So from Jan 2003 to Jan 2009, in 6 years, you have changed 8 jobs to make the count as 10 jobs in 14 years?
A: I had no other option. In my first 8 years of professional life, I had worked only for 2 organizations thinking that jobs are deserved after lot of hard work and one should stay with an employer company to
justify the saying ‘employer loyalty’. But I was an idiot.

Q: Why do you say so?
A: My salary in the first 8 years went up only marginally. I could not save enough and also, I had thought that I had a ‘permanent’ job, so I need not worry about ‘what will I do if I lose my job’. I could never
imagine losing a job because of economic slowdown and not because of my performance. That was January 2002.

Q: Can you brief on what happened between January 2003 and 2009.
A: Well, I had learnt my lessons of being ‘company loyal’ and not ‘money earning and saving loyal’. But then you can save enough only when you earn enough. So I shifted my loyalty towards money making and
saving – I changed 8 jobs in 6 years assuring all my interviewers about my stability.

Q: So you lied to your interviewers; you had already planned to change the job for which you were being interviewed on a particular day?
A: Yes, you can change jobs only when the market is up and companies are hiring. You tell me – can I get a job now because of the slowdown?
No. So one should change jobs for higher salaries only when the market is up because that is the only time when companies hire and can afford the expected salaries.

Q: What have you gained by doing such things?
A: That’s the question I was waiting for. In Jan 2003, I had a fixed salary (without variables) of say Rs. X p.a. In January 2009, my salary was 8X. So assuming my salary was Rs.3 lakh p.a. in Jan 2003,
my last drawn salary in Jan 2009 was Rs.24 lakh p.a. (without variable). I never bothered about variable as I had no intention to stay for 1 year and go through the appraisal process to wait for the
company to give me a hike.

Q: So you decided on your own hike?
A: Yes, in 2003, I could see the slowdown coming again in future like it had happened in 2001-02. Though I was not sure by when the next slowdown would come, I was pretty sure I wanted a ‘debt-free’ life
before being laid off again. So I planned my hike targets on a yearly basis without waiting for the year to complete.

Q: So are you debt-free now?
A: Yes, I earned so much by virtue of job changes for money and spent so little that today I have a loan free 2 BR flat (1200 sq. feet) plus a loan free big car without bothering about any EMIs. I am laid off
too but I do not complain at all. If I have laid off companies for money, it is OK if a company lays me off because of lack of money.

Q: Who is complaining?
A: All those guys who are not getting a job to pay their EMIs off are complaining. They had made fun of me saying I am a job hopper and do not have any company loyalty. Now I ask them what they gained by their
company loyalty; they too are laid off like me and pass comments to me – why will you bother about us, you are already debt-free. They were still in the bracket of 12-14 lakh p.a. when they were laid off.

Q: What is your advice to professionals?
A: Like i always say – Love your job and not your Company because you never know when your company will stop loving you. In the same lines, love yourself and your family needs more than the company’s needs. Companies can keep coming and going; family will always remain the same. Make money for yourself first and simultaneously make money for the company, not the other way around.

Q: What is your biggest pain point with companies?
A: When a company does well, its CEO etc will address the entire company saying, ‘well done guys, it is YOUR company, keep up the hard work, I am with you.” But when the slowdown happens and the company
does not do so well, the same CEO etc will say, “It is MY company and to save the company, I have to take tough decisions including asking people to go.” So think about your financial stability first; when you
get laid off, your kids will complain to you and not your boss.

Cancel your credit card before you die.

Now some people are really stupid!!!!
Be sure and cancel your credit cards before you die.

This is so priceless, and so, so easy to see happening, customer service being what it is today.
A lady died this past January, and Citibank billed her for February and March for their annual service charges on her credit card, and added late fees Citibank. And interest on the monthly charge. The balance had been $0.00 when she died, but now somewhere around $60.00. A family member placed a call to Citibank.

Here is the exchange :

Family Member: ‘I am calling to tell you she
Died back in January.’
Citibank: ‘The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply.’

Family Member: ‘Maybe, you should turn it over to collections.’
Citibank: ‘Since it is two months past due, it already has been.’

Family Member: So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?’
Citibank: ‘Either report her account to frauds division or report her to the credit bureau, maybe both!’

Family Member: ‘Do you think God will be mad at her?’
Citibank: ‘Excuse me?’
Family Member: ‘Did you just get what I was telling you – the part about her being dead?’
Citibank: ‘Sir, you’ll have to speak to my supervisor.’

Supervisor gets on the phone:

Family Member: ‘I’m calling to tell you, she died back in January with a $0 balance.’
Citibank: ‘The account was never closed and late fees and charges still apply..’ (so if you have a $0 balance how can they charge late fees & charges?)

Family Member: ‘You mean you want to collect from her estate?’
Citibank: (Stammer) ‘Are you her lawyer?’

Family Member: ‘No, I’m her great nephew.’ (Lawyer info was given)
Citibank: ‘Could you fax us a certificate of death?’
Family Member: ‘Sure.’ (Fax number was given )

After they get the fax :
Citibank: ‘Our system just isn’t setup for death. I don’t know what more I can do to help.’
Family Member: ‘Well, if you figure it out, great! If not, you could just keep billing her. She won’t care.’
Citibank: ‘Well, the late fees and charges will still apply.’ (What is wrong with these people?!?)
Family Member: ‘Would you like her new billing address?’
Citibank: ‘That might help…’
Family Member: ‘ Odessa Memorial Cemetery , Highway 129, Plot Number 69.’
Citibank: ‘Sir, that’s a cemetery!’
Family Member: ‘And what do you do with dead people on your planet???’

You wondered why Citi is going broke, and need the feds to bail them out!!

Your yearly Dementia test

It’s that time of year to take our annual senior citizen test.

Exercise of the brain is as important as exercise of the muscles.
As we grow older, it’s important to keep mentally alert. If you don’t use it, you lose it!

Below is a very private way to gauge your loss or non-loss of intelligence.

Take the test presented here to determine if you’re losing it or not.

The spaces below are so you don’t see the answers until you’ve made your answer.
OK, relax, clear your mind and begin.

1. What do you put in a toaster?
Answer: ‘bread.’ If you said ‘toast,’ give up now and do something else.

Try not to hurt yourself.
If you said, bread, go to Question 2.

2. Say ‘ silk’ five times. Now spell ’silk.’ What do cows drink?
Answer: Cows drink water. If you said ‘milk,’ don’t attempt the next question.
Your brain is over-stressed and may even overheat.

Content yourself with reading a more appropriate literature such as Auto World.

However, if you said ‘water’, proceed to question 3.

3. If a red house is made from red bricks and a blue house is made from blue bricks and a pink house is made from pink bricks and a black house is made from black bricks, what is a green house made from?
Answer: Greenhouses are made from glass.

If you said ‘green bricks,’ why are you still reading these???

If you said ‘glass,’ go on to Question 4.

4. It’s twenty years ago, and a plane is flying at 20,000 feet over Germany
(If you will recall, Germany at the time was politically divided into West Germany and East Germany .)
Anyway, during the flight, two engines fail. The pilot, realizing that the last remaining engine is also failing, decides on a crash landing procedure. Unfortunately the engine fails before he can do so and the plane fatally crashes smack in the middle of ‘no man’s land’ between East Germany and West Germany .
Where would you bury the survivors?

East Germany , West Germany , or no man’s land’?

Answer: You don’t bury survivors.
If you said ANYTHING else, you’re a dunce and you must stop.

If you said, ‘You don’t bury survivors’, proceed to the next question.

5. Without using a calculator.
You are driving a bus from London to Milford Haven in Wales .
In London , 17 people get on the bus.
In Reading , six people get off the bus and nine people get on.
In Swindon , two people get off and four g et on.
In Cardiff , 1 1 people get off and 16 people get on.
In Swansea , three people get off and five people get on .
In Carmathen, six people get off and three get on. You then arrive at Milford Haven.
What was the name of the bus driver?

Answer: Oh, for crying out loud!
Don’t you remember your own name? It was YOU!!

Incredible Wave Pictures

These incredible images of waves were taken by the number one photographer of surf: Clark Little. He has dedicated his life to photographing the waves and has published a selection of the the best images of his career. He captures magical moments inside the “tube”, as surfers say.

Sun … glints off wave

Sand … in surf

Tubular … shining

Beach … surf crashes down

Molten … liquid gold

White … tumultuous water

Splash … stunning shot

Red … mysterious shot

Break … wave crashes down

Car Airconditioning Precaution

Please do not turn on A/C immediately as soon as you enter the car. Open the windows after you enter your car and turn ON the air-conditioning after a couple of minutes.

According to a research done, the car dashboard, sofa, air freshener emits Benzene, a Cancer causing toxin (carcinogen – take note of the heated plastic Smell in your car).

In addition to causing cancer, it poisons your bones, causes anemia, and reduces white blood cells. Prolonged exposure will cause Leukemia,increasing the risk of cancer. May also cause miscarriage.

Acceptable Benzene level indoors is 50 mg per sq. ft.. A car parked indoors with the windows closed will contain 400-800 mg of Benzene. If parked outdoors under the sun at a temperature above 60 degrees F, the Benzene level goes up to 2000-4000 mg, 40 times the acceptable level… & the people inside the car will inevitably inhale an excess amount of the toxins.

It is recommended that you open the windows and door to give time for the interior to air out before you enter.

Benzene is a toxin that affects your kidney and liver, and is very difficult for your body to expel this toxic stuff.

‘When someone shares something of value with you and you benefit from it, you have a moral obligation to share it with others.’ – Chinese Proverb

Why Mother is so Special?

When I came home in the rain,

Brother asked why you didn’t take an umbrella.

Sister advised why you didn’t wait till rain stopped.

Father angrily warned, only after getting cold, you will realize.

But Mother, while drying my hair, said, stupid rain! Couldn’t it wait, till my child came home?

That Is MOM!

Point of View

Barbara Walters, of Television’s 20/20, did a story on gender roles in Kabul, Afghanistan several years before the Afghan conflict. She noted that women customarily walked five paces behind their husbands.

She recently returned to Kabul and observed that women still walk behind their husbands. From Ms. Walters’ vantage point, despite the overthrow of the oppressive Taliban regime, the women now seem to walk even further back behind their husbands, and are happy to maintain the old custom.

Ms. Walters approached one of the Afghani women and asked, ‘Why do you now seem happy with an old custom that you once tried so desperately to change?’ The woman looked Ms.Walters straight in the eyes, and without hesitation said, ‘Land Mines.’

Moral of the story is (no matter what language you speak and where you go):
BEHIND EVERY MAN, THERE’S A SMART WOMAN